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Submitted on
November 17, 2010



How bad is my life?

Journal Entry: Wed Nov 17, 2010, 10:11 AM
  • Mood: Shitty
  • Listening to: Marilyn Manson
  • Playing: Dreamfall: The Longest Journey
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
At first i want to sorry for my english here. Some words might be weird because i had to use dictionary.
Last few months weren't good for me.
I've graduated from high school and now I'm on the University which i hate. English philology isn't for me. I wanted to leave my hometown and go on University in Wrocław or Kraków, but my exams results weren't good enough. I don't know how to describe it in english. After high school we can pass exams on two marks. Basic and Extended (I don't know if i chose good words for this ;x) And I was too afraid, and I didn't believe in myself so I chose only basic exams. I got good marks but i wasn't enough for good University. So i have to wait until May so I can pass them again. For now I'm on the University in Wałbrzych. I hate this. Awful people, awful place.
Next thing is money. I need them, really. As 19 years old girl i want to buy myself some things, like nice clothes, drawing stuff etc. But I don't have money. I really would like to buy myself copic markers, good coloured pencils (i love Derwent's !) but I can't afford it. And even If i would like to, I can't make commissions for real money just because I don't have Paypal. It sucks.
I feel alone. All my friends have left this place and gone to Universities in Wrocław. Now I can see my two best friend once a month. The only person that keeps me alive is my boyfriend. We're together for almost 3 years, and he always supports me. But I don't feel that I'm worth him. I want to be better, more beautiful etc. But I feel like worthless shit. Ugly disgusting shit. I can't help it. He tells me that I'm beautiful but I don't believe in that. I have huge problem with that. I know that I'm overweighted, and sirencely I used to be ok with that. But people made me think that I'm some kind of monster. I wear clothes in l or xl sizes (not xxxxxxxxl like some people think) and I would love to feel beautiful just like that. I hate going shopping. When I'm stepping to the shop i feel the sight of saleswomen on me. Once I went to the shop and I asked shop assistant if they have black skirts, and she said "We don't have clothes in your size, eat less chocolate". I came out and started to cry. My boyfriend tells me that he loves my curves and he says that he doesn't want me to lose weight and become small chested skeleton. And I don't want to too. But I hate people, they're cruel.
I have very bad opinion about myself. I feel ugly and stupid. And totally worthless. And i have bad feeling that someday I will destroy my relationship. I'm jealous and possesive. I can't stand thought that some women are attractive for my boyfriend. I know it's normal that boys like just looking on beautiful girls, but it makes me feel even worse.
I feel that I can't draw. I hate this. When all those beautiful arts on dA it doesn't motivate me. It makes me feel worse and worse. I bought myself tablet and i can't draw with it. I suck.

I'm sorry for this journal, but i really needed to write this for myself. I will delete this soon. Again, sorry for my english

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Hellatina Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey gir, chin up! I can't believe that idiot saleswoman told you such a thing. At least you're curvy, I'm truly overweight PLUS MY BOOBS ARE SMALL so I know I'm a kind of tomboy monster, and I understand how you feel because I'm always ashamed of my body. I know I need to loose some pounds as well, but for me is very difficult because all my family is kinda overweight. I eat less than many people but I don't loose weight. Thats a factor that keeps our self steem low, but don't get deppresed about that, you're not stupid, you're awesome and really skilled for your age. When I was your age I had to present the test for the university twice, because my grades were low, but I persisted and passed the exam, and studied in one of the most prestigious universities of my country, despite the comments of MY OWN FAMILY who believed I wasn't smart enough to pass the test. I say again DON'T STOP, keep moving on your own way, don't let stupid and shallow people to hurt you. And appreciate your boyfriend, he really sees the real you.
Forunth Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:iconboobzplz: Here you are

Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! But you're a vet now! :3 You're my idol, really ^^
Hellatina Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
XD I'm a dork.
Forunth Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
But I love you! you know that, don't you? <3
Hellatina Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I do, XD :iconlainloveplz:
TsunadeShirahime Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2010  Student
"We don't have clothes in your size, eat less chocolate".
WTF? I'd punch in her face that stupid bitch, for real.
Sorry for the bad word, but she deserves it! What the heck, we're not all skinny in the world!
Don't care about her and live your life happily, you have such a nice boyfriend, here in my town boys only want skinny girls, and I'm quite curvy, I have a larger breast than any of my friends and some guys make a fool of me because of this, or they talk to me and try to stay with me only for my boobs. that's sad. I always feel frustrated and I don't even go out with my friends because many shirts of the shops they go to, don't fit my size, plus I'm tall and my bones are massive, so I'm not really skinny. I'm not obese but I should lose some weight. And here comes another frustration.. I suffer from a disturb to my thyroid since ages, like my mom, my cousins and aunts..
And this disturb always makes me accumulate weight over weight without an apparent reason, I gain kilos even by drinking simple plain water. So I'm always on diet, and a sustained diet gets you depressed after some years.
I wanted to talk with you about my problem because we have many things in common, so I want you to make you feel like you're not alone, even if we don't live nearby each other :)
For what concernes the school.. think that in May you'll take again your exams, so you're going to change school. And you'll see your friends again!
Even here we're very similar, I didn't pass my third year of high school, almost 3 years ago.. in fact this year I should be at University with my friends, but I'm still attending the 5th year of high school, which is the last one fortunately.
But I had to change lots of schools because my teachers rejected me the year that my father died, they didn't help me a bit.. I had a great shock and I stopped to study for 2 months, but in the end I got it all up quickly with all the subjects.. but they didn't help me anyway. So I had lost all my self-esteem, which I completely lack of even today, and I'm still trying to recover from this problem, because I got ill with recurrent flues, and couldn't follow the lessons properly. This is all because of these stupid teachers who didn't help me.. they don't know what it feels like to lose a year -.-
Anyway if you want to talk or something, I'm here! I'd like to be your friend! :)
Forunth Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I can't describe how happy I am, because you wrote this. I'm really sorry for your father, I know that it won't help, but frankly i simply don't know what could I write. Oh, teacher can be horrible! I remember when my grandmother had cancer I wasn't at school for 2 weeks. When I came back i realized that some teachers gave me bad marks just because i wasn't at school. I told them that i had a good reason, but they said that they don't care. hey, Big boobs FTW! :iconbackhug:
monstee Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2010  Student Digital Artist
Forunth zasmuciłaś mnie tym journalem. Co do szkoły to cię rozumiem, sama zaczęłam studia na których nic nie umiem i zapewne po pierwszym semestrze odpadne tym bardziej, ze nie mam motywacji na naukę ani trochę, z ludźmi moze i mam ok ale co z tego skoro jestem wsciekła na cały świat że ma codzienność wygląda jak wygląda. Więc tu przyznaję rację. Co do niskiej samooceny jaką posiadasz to się nie zgadzam, widzisz sama też nie jestem idealna, jak się uśmiecham to dzwony kościelne zaczynają bić ogłaszając nadejście apokalipsy a spojrzeń ludzkich też nie unikam a sklepy... łojezuuu ile to razu wchodziłam do sklepu ubrana jakoś normalnie w bluzę i zwykłe spodnie z rozczapierzoną szopą i widziałam, ze klientki jak i kasjerki gapią się na mnie jakbym przyszła do sklepu coś ukraść albo co, też tego nienawidzę i często jak widzę lalunie wpatrująca się we mnie stojącą załóżmy ze swoją mateczką, która cieszy się że jej córcią nie jest takim jak ja freakiem mam ochotę wypalić na cały sklep "co się k*rwa gapicie?!!" Poza tym nie jesteś gruba a to, ze chodzisz na czarno to doskonale rozumiem heheh te same klimaty i chyba zawsze reakcja na ludzi słuchających metali będzie taka sama ze strony "normalnego" społeczeństwa. Pomyśl, ze masz talent, ze nie jesteś nijaka, spójrz na pierwszą lepszą, modną dziunię na ulicy i przyjrzyj się bo takich jest jak psów (nie ubliżając tym zwierzakom), jedną by zastrzelić a w jej miejsce 10 innych się pojawi identycznych niczym klony. Moze to chore i złe, ze tak mówię ale to prawda, a gruba jeszcze raz powtarzam nie jesteś! Znam osoby grube przez duże G i uwierz... do tego ci daleko. Cod o rysowania to znam ten ból, tak jak i zapewne wile osób tu przebywających, są mistrzowie niczym :icongenzoman: :iconvyrl: i wielu wielu innych ale często albo są starsi albo po prostu im się ciut szybciej udało. grunt to brnąć do przodu ucząc się tego i owego a ty na banki nie stoisz w miejscu. Wiem jak jest pod tym względem ciężko bo sama wyję do księżyca czemu kur*wa pożałowano geniuszu mi hehehehe ale pomyśl co będzie za kilka lat, będziesz patrzeć na swoje prace i się śmiała, ze kiedyś doły łapałaś, zobaczysz! A widzę, ze słuchasz Marilyna Mansona więc może ci ulży bo nic nie jest tak dobre na wyładowanie się jak jego muza XD
Tak czy siak do boju Forunth!
Ranshou Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Wiem że to nie było pisane do mnie... a-ale! też mi poprawiłaś humor i samoocene i wgle wgle! Q_Q :tighthug: (szczegolnie tą plagą różhoFFFych dziuni :D)
Forunth Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Jeeeeeej, nawet nie wiesz jak mi poprawiłaś humor, naprawdę. Dziękuję :iconbackhug:
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