At first i want to sorry for my english here. Some words might be weird because i had to use dictionary.
Last few months weren't good for me.
I've graduated from high school and now I'm on the University which i hate. English philology isn't for me. I wanted to leave my hometown and go on University in Wrocław or Kraków, but my exams results weren't good enough. I don't know how to describe it in english. After high school we can pass exams on two marks. Basic and Extended (I don't know if i chose good words for this ;x) And I was too afraid, and I didn't believe in myself so I chose only basic exams. I got good marks but i wasn't enough for good University. So i have to wait until May so I can pass them again. For now I'm on the University in Wałbrzych. I hate this. Awful people, awful place.
Next thing is money. I need them, really. As 19 years old girl i want to buy myself some things, like nice clothes, drawing stuff etc. But I don't have money. I really would like to buy myself copic markers, good coloured pencils (i love Derwent's !) but I can't afford it. And even If i would like to, I can't make commissions for real money just because I don't have Paypal. It sucks.
I feel alone. All my friends have left this place and gone to Universities in Wrocław. Now I can see my two best friend once a month. The only person that keeps me alive is my boyfriend. We're together for almost 3 years, and he always supports me. But I don't feel that I'm worth him. I want to be better, more beautiful etc. But I feel like worthless shit. Ugly disgusting shit. I can't help it. He tells me that I'm beautiful but I don't believe in that. I have huge problem with that. I know that I'm overweighted, and sirencely I used to be ok with that. But people made me think that I'm some kind of monster. I wear clothes in l or xl sizes (not xxxxxxxxl like some people think) and I would love to feel beautiful just like that. I hate going shopping. When I'm stepping to the shop i feel the sight of saleswomen on me. Once I went to the shop and I asked shop assistant if they have black skirts, and she said "We don't have clothes in your size, eat less chocolate". I came out and started to cry. My boyfriend tells me that he loves my curves and he says that he doesn't want me to lose weight and become small chested skeleton. And I don't want to too. But I hate people, they're cruel.
I have very bad opinion about myself. I feel ugly and stupid. And totally worthless. And i have bad feeling that someday I will destroy my relationship. I'm jealous and possesive. I can't stand thought that some women are attractive for my boyfriend. I know it's normal that boys like just looking on beautiful girls, but it makes me feel even worse.
I feel that I can't draw. I hate this. When all those beautiful arts on dA it doesn't motivate me. It makes me feel worse and worse. I bought myself tablet and i can't draw with it. I suck.
I'm sorry for this journal, but i really needed to write this for myself. I will delete this soon. Again, sorry for my english
`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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Shitty 
Now... GIVE ME YOUR BOOBS, I NEED EM, GOD FORGOT TO GIVE ME A PAIR.
Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! But you're a vet now! :3 You're my idol, really ^^
WTF? I'd punch in her face that stupid bitch, for real.
Sorry for the bad word, but she deserves it! What the heck, we're not all skinny in the world!
Don't care about her and live your life happily, you have such a nice boyfriend, here in my town boys only want skinny girls, and I'm quite curvy, I have a larger breast than any of my friends and some guys make a fool of me because of this, or they talk to me and try to stay with me only for my boobs. that's sad. I always feel frustrated and I don't even go out with my friends because many shirts of the shops they go to, don't fit my size, plus I'm tall and my bones are massive, so I'm not really skinny. I'm not obese but I should lose some weight. And here comes another frustration.. I suffer from a disturb to my thyroid since ages, like my mom, my cousins and aunts..
And this disturb always makes me accumulate weight over weight without an apparent reason, I gain kilos even by drinking simple plain water. So I'm always on diet, and a sustained diet gets you depressed after some years.
I wanted to talk with you about my problem because we have many things in common, so I want you to make you feel like you're not alone, even if we don't live nearby each other
For what concernes the school.. think that in May you'll take again your exams, so you're going to change school. And you'll see your friends again!
Even here we're very similar, I didn't pass my third year of high school, almost 3 years ago.. in fact this year I should be at University with my friends, but I'm still attending the 5th year of high school, which is the last one fortunately.
But I had to change lots of schools because my teachers rejected me the year that my father died, they didn't help me a bit.. I had a great shock and I stopped to study for 2 months, but in the end I got it all up quickly with all the subjects.. but they didn't help me anyway. So I had lost all my self-esteem, which I completely lack of even today, and I'm still trying to recover from this problem, because I got ill with recurrent flues, and couldn't follow the lessons properly. This is all because of these stupid teachers who didn't help me.. they don't know what it feels like to lose a year -.-
Anyway if you want to talk or something, I'm here! I'd like to be your friend!
Tak czy siak do boju Forunth!