At first i want to sorry for my english here. Some words might be weird because i had to use dictionary.
Last few months weren't good for me.
I've graduated from high school and now I'm on the University which i hate. English philology isn't for me. I wanted to leave my hometown and go on University in Wrocław or Kraków, but my exams results weren't good enough. I don't know how to describe it in english. After high school we can pass exams on two marks. Basic and Extended (I don't know if i chose good words for this ;x) And I was too afraid, and I didn't believe in myself so I chose only basic exams. I got good marks but i wasn't enough for good University. So i have to wait until May so I can pass them again. For now I'm on the University in Wałbrzych. I hate this. Awful people, awful place.
Next thing is money. I need them, really. As 19 years old girl i want to buy myself some things, like nice clothes, drawing stuff etc. But I don't have money. I really would like to buy myself copic markers, good coloured pencils (i love Derwent's !) but I can't afford it. And even If i would like to, I can't make commissions for real money just because I don't have Paypal. It sucks.
I feel alone. All my friends have left this place and gone to Universities in Wrocław. Now I can see my two best friend once a month. The only person that keeps me alive is my boyfriend. We're together for almost 3 years, and he always supports me. But I don't feel that I'm worth him. I want to be better, more beautiful etc. But I feel like worthless shit. Ugly disgusting shit. I can't help it. He tells me that I'm beautiful but I don't believe in that. I have huge problem with that. I know that I'm overweighted, and sirencely I used to be ok with that. But people made me think that I'm some kind of monster. I wear clothes in l or xl sizes (not xxxxxxxxl like some people think) and I would love to feel beautiful just like that. I hate going shopping. When I'm stepping to the shop i feel the sight of saleswomen on me. Once I went to the shop and I asked shop assistant if they have black skirts, and she said "We don't have clothes in your size, eat less chocolate". I came out and started to cry. My boyfriend tells me that he loves my curves and he says that he doesn't want me to lose weight and become small chested skeleton. And I don't want to too. But I hate people, they're cruel.
I have very bad opinion about myself. I feel ugly and stupid. And totally worthless. And i have bad feeling that someday I will destroy my relationship. I'm jealous and possesive. I can't stand thought that some women are attractive for my boyfriend. I know it's normal that boys like just looking on beautiful girls, but it makes me feel even worse.
I feel that I can't draw. I hate this. When all those beautiful arts on dA it doesn't motivate me. It makes me feel worse and worse. I bought myself tablet and i can't draw with it. I suck.
I'm sorry for this journal, but i really needed to write this for myself. I will delete this soon. Again, sorry for my english